How we talk without speaking.

It’s interesting how people can generate certain messages just with body language or facial expressions. Yet sometimes it’s not exactly what you may think is going on. This seems to be the source of much miscommunication and misunderstandings that go on between people. I have learned through much interactions with various people that though one may give off the feeling of ignoring or being snobby to you, once given a second chance, they may surprise you. And then those you continue to feel that you cannot seem to understand, you may need to strive more, and when you look back on it or at least continue to keep in touch, they may be thinking something quite different from what you’re feeling.

I guess that’s how certain connections are made between various individuals, some click more quickly than others while some take more time.

I don’t know … one of my old friends from college visited me Halloween weekend so we hung out a little bit and I introduced her to some of my medical school friends while we were out partying for the night. As she has been one of my old friends, she’s also been one I’ve never been entirely comfortable with exposing my entire self to. Her and a few other girls I used to party and hang out with throughout college, as much fun as I’d had with them and continue to keep in touch with them, there’s this awkward void that I continue to feel between them and myself. I sometimes wonder if it’s because of divergence of our career choices yet I don’t feel that is so as I have friends back in my home country who work in different fields from myself yet I haven’t felt this sort of void with them. In those circumstances, a larger barrier should exist as I would be attempting to speak in a less fluent language than English.

Just some odd things that came up that I recall while I was at dinner with one friend before the festivities of Halloween began for the weekend. I let her in on some of my boy drama and she described me as “psycho”. And I let out a sarcastic “thanks” as a response and her excuse was that she could say that to me because she was my friend.

But then, if you’re my friend, isn’t it more crucial that you still have some form of propriety? I understand that friends should be able to be most honest with one another, but isn’t that when we ask each other for advice? If not, shouldn’t we be respecting what the other one thinks? Or you know, be a little more tactful in expressing your thoughts. At least that’s how I’ve been building up my friendships lately. I may not entirely agree with what some of them may be doing, but they’ve been there for me when I’ve needed them, so the least I can do is support them in whatever they’re doing and be there when they need me. After all, who am I to be passing judgment onto them?

It is these times that I recall made me feel uncomfortable around these girls. I sometimes felt as though I was being judged by them … even though they were just being my friends … whatever the hell that means. Our conversations would start to feel a little empty and a bit full of airhead content. Yet they sometimes seem to be paying attention to what I’m going through in my life …. I think. It’s confusing to say. Just with the body language …. or at least the spoken language that I receive from them seems to say something else every time. Is it just ironic that as excited as these ladies may be to see one another, I’ve never really felt that way …. I tend to brace myself to get uncomfortable …. gosh I’m so mean …..

And then there’s the mystery of guys. Not that I’m on some sort of mission to crack this or anything …. it’s just interesting to see how much I learn about one person and how he may have started off seemingly as one character and bounce into another depending on circumstances. The dynamics that guys will put up front for themselves and the psychology behind it, it’s just interesting to think about. Maybe it’s insecurities or an attempt to seem macho and cool in front of everyone yet when it comes around to that one person without anyone else around, they will shrivel and strip down to a sort of core that they will avoid exposing to anyone else. Sigh … yet how are you supposed to think when they put up that weird guard again and just confuse the hell out of you.

On another note, third year is starting to hit a slight bit of an exhausting point. Although I finally met with a heme-onc doctor yesterday to discuss jumping onto a leukemia project during my more laid back rotations. She agreed though it probably won’t involve clinical work as I will not be able to put in clinic time depending upon the rotation I’m on. I gladly agreed, at this point I was willing to pick up anything I could get my hands on. It took me three years to figure out what I’d really like to get involved in and I’m not willing to let minor discrepancies to let opportunities slip away.

Ok so I’ve sort of picked out an outfit to go with my new uber cute boots to wear to my friend’s birthday dinner this Friday. Sooo excited!! Is it just sad that I’m always looking forward to these small events over the weekends …. or even waiting for some form of a break from this grueling, cycling life of book reading and playing doctor?

Hehehe …. whatever keeps you going I’d say. 😉

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