And no, I’m not just talking about the one between a guy and a girl. I’m just talking about all of them in general.
I guess a way to describe relationships is that they’re like an elastic band that will stretch out and in according to how the participants play it out. A stretched out relationship can get pulled closer together with release of the strain while a less strained relationship can be extended out not far from snapping.
Each time I attend the lectures for my current rotation, I don’t know what it is, I just feel this awkward sensation of seeing people. I just don’t feel like speaking up too much, the motivation just seems a bit zapped out right now. And to make matters a little more complicating, my ex roommate is also on this rotation with me, luckily not at the same location but nonetheless in very close proximity as that classroom is small. She also is friendly with a good classmate friend of mine which also seems to make things a little tricky for me.
Interestingly, some of my other friends continue to ask, where’s your old third roommate, does she not hang out with you guys anymore? Personally, I’m a little peeved I get asked this question so frequently. It’s not like she ever attempted to show up to hang out with us. I’ll admit, the subject of her still irks me a little bit and is not really something I enjoy talking about openly … maybe because I’m not far from spilling out how much she hurt me.
Today when my friend asked me about her, I thought of a way to describe how our friendship went sort of sour. Well, not exactly sour, it just kind of progressed forward then backed up and halted. Anyway, the parallel to my current state of friendship with her is like a relationship with a guy I’d been previously dating gone wrong … and when I say gone wrong, I mean I was the one who put myself out there but got screwed emotionally. I mean, at that point, I really did think that it was difficult for a girl friend to hurt me emotionally because I thought that girls just understood each other better (duh). Yet here I was experiencing it, the impossible becoming possible (and in this case, not in a good way).
So everyday I continue to see her, I keep everything on a superficial level. Recently I recalled the days back when the three of us were living together and things got a little rocky between me and her. Boy, I just wanted to avoid talking to her if at all possible. That’s how rough things had gotten. I just love how when you think a friendship is getting better because you conquered the rocky points together … and then she just drops this bomb on you that in all honesty, she really doesn’t want you around that much. Thanks … thanks so much for letting me get misled on my emotions.
On another note, the one relationship I thought I’d screwed up continues to take on a direction different from that before. In this case, the elastic band seems to be getting smaller yet not in a way that I’d expected it to. I still ponder at moments, can I be hurting myself by letting things flow as they are …. but I find no reason not to do it. Despite what people say around me, I’m just going along with it, just enough so that I avoid getting overexcited a little too early.
Boy, my hair is so long right now. I can’t wait for the day I cut it off …. I’m currently growing it out for an event called St. Baldrick’s Day. It’s an absolutely amazing event where people come to either cut or shave their hair as a symbolic meaning towards the children cancer patients. After attending last year’s event, I became determined to grow my hair enough to donate it (I don’t have the guts to shave it all off unfortunately). I just hope by March I still have a good amount of hair left even after removing 11 inches (they say 10 but take 11 so I heard) …. though it will be refreshing to have shorter hair for a change after growing it out for about 1.5 years. I just hope my schedule permits me to attend this event.
Oh time for sleep.
Ah I wish home were a car drive away rather than a plane ride/boat ride away.