It’s a bit dramatic but it pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling recently.
I never realized how you could subconsciously become depressed but I feel it creeping up on me lately. Let’s just say I haven’t had the best of events recently to really boost my confidence sky high. I am not a girl who tends to react sensitively to criticism nor do I let things linger on my mind … but I am one who reacts so extremely slowly to things that it’s almost as though I don’t even realize myself what is really wrong with me till it all starts to pile up one after another.
Ok so first thing …. I failed two shelf exams at the start of third year. Initially, I was so down in the dumps I didn’t know how to think. Eventually, I pulled myself together to understand that things do happen, I just have to make myself move forward, I mean, if I can’t face the idea of failing two shelf exams, how will I be able to handle seeing my patient die right in front of my eyes? I retook one of them and successfully passed it. Now I’m preparing for the second.
The next thing that knocked me down was my internal medicine grade. I didn’t honor nor did I high pass it … I passed it. And it seems as though a large factor was again my shelf exam grade. I had barely passed. Again, ouch. I worked my ass off to study for that test and all I got in return was a pass. It was saddening to me because internal medicine is something I’m largely considering going into right now as I want to specialize out of it.
And finally, I’ve been having this cough/congestion for almost 5 weeks now …. and it’s gone to the point that if I don’t take cough suppressants at night, I’ll be woken up from my sleep every 2 hours. This morning, not only did I lose sleep, the power in my apartment completely went out just as I was washing my face and getting ready to leave. Again, though I just react to everything as, “Aw crap now what do I do ….” I noticed that everything began to accumulate and in the end, resulted in me crying on my kitchen floor. I didn’t know why but I was sluggish throughout the day, was too shy to speak up, and am currently too burnt out really to care about anything … though I’m back on the wards.
You know something is wrong when you continue to pick on yourself, saying why am I not better than this, why am I not prettier, why do I suck at this … yada yada yada. In all honesty, I’ve been doing that to a great extent recently. Hearing interns’ stories regarding their patients, how some fear that they are the reason why many are dying, how they recognize they’re in an emergency situation … I begin to question myself, will I become a good enough doctor as to recognize those things and catch them in time before they all blow up catastrophically?
Life’s uncertainties make it all so interesting … yet simultaneously, they can also bring you down at times.
I think I really need a vacation.