I swear, with all the crap I put up with after starting medical school, I think I get tearful way more easily than I used to. Not necessarily because of sadness …. moreso due to emotional overwhelment (is that even a word?) from the bursting passion I live with everyday.
I just realized that I had high passed a course I’d previously failed a standardized test in. I thought by then, there was no possibility of getting a grade any higher than a pass. Luckily, it was a course I didn’t have much interest in but the fear of having to redo a rotation was just intense enough for me to study my butt off while on other rotations. I honestly didn’t care if other people knew I had failed, my goal was to pass this darn friggin’ test.
And I just checked it, found out I’d high passed it. I honestly, in my career as a third year student, never thought I’d ever be capable of acquiring such a grade …. for any class for that matter. And though it was such a tiny step, it kind of opened my mind up to how things you may never expect in your life, can be possible.
Honestly, I still can’t believe I’m here, that I’m in medical school, on the road to becoming a doctor. When I was younger, I always felt I’d lagged behind my cousins in Korea, two of them were the smart ones, the popular ones, getting letters from girls, always bringing home the grades … and there was me, still trying to adjust to a different culture, trying to learn a new language (though it is one of my own).
And now, I’m the one standing ahead. They are both still taking highly prestigious paths for their future as well, yet I feel as though I’m undergoing the most suffering to reach the career that I want. People ask me, “How do you put up with it?” My answer, “Because I love it.”
Don’t get me wrong, I am not at all the arrogant, haughty type … In fact, my confidence has a tendency to waver every now and then, just not to the point where I lose control. I think the fluctuations were even worse at the beginning of medical school … yet at some point, somehow, I’ve acquired a great deal of peace of mind … just the fact that you have to let go, work hard, and hope for the best. I’m not one who speaks of destiny that often but I do believe our lives are somewhat guided along a path that fate has provided for us. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen and if it’s not, there’s no need to work yourself over it because it just wasn’t meant to be ….
I probably mentioned this in a previous entry but two of the largest things that keep me going in this gruesome, tough line of work is my parents’ faith in me along with the fact that I’ve fulfilled my grandfather’s dream. Me, a woman of my family …. I never knew my grandfather (my mother’s father) too well because he passed away when I was a little baby but just seeing my mother’s side of the family and how they interact, I can see the type of person he was. After all, he was the main person to determine how his family be raised. Just from hearing stories from my relatives, I think I would have really enjoyed getting to know him. At least I am now …
And to me, to be able to fulfill the dream of someone I respect so much, is the greatest honor one could ever live with. It makes me realize why what I’m doing is so worth it.