So recently I came around to planning out the rotations for the good majority of my senior year. I came to the realization that I will not be able to plan off a block where I could go traveling with my mom. Initially that was the idea but for the vacation times I’ll be available, she’ll still be in mid semester teaching. Also, my summer vacation between third and fourth year is about ten days long, not really enough for me to shell out on an international plane ticket and fly home. My mom suggested that she come visit though I said if the plane ticket is too expensive, we could just wait till the next time I’m back home.

Which won’t be for almost another two years starting this upcoming summer.

Wow … it’s just weird for me to think of not seeing my parents for two years. The thought is depressing but I don’t want to burden them with expensive plane ticket costs (unless they flew with an American airlines though usually I’d go with the international airlines because their service is so much better; that and I can only do these 10+ hour flight trips once a month). In fact, if there’s anything I’d like to avoid doing, it’s to burden my parents with anything. It’s just interesting how things have changed since college though even back in college, I think I had more trouble embracing my loneliness and had more difficulty in interpreting how I was feeling exactly.

It’s just interesting how our life choices change. Before second year started, I was determined to find a way to go back home and work there … but the idea of never coming back to the States just was odd to me. And for me to never go back to Korea is also a weird concept to me. I cannot seem to live without one or the other … despite the massive hours of flying I have to do in between.

I never would have thought back in high school, when I’d decided to go to college in the States that I would put such a toll on my relations with my family with all this distance in between. Yet I don’t feel we’ve gotten any more distanced with each other emotionally. We talk with each other almost every weekend and I feel there’s a lot I can share with them each time … it’s as if I were living that estranged doctor life since college. I guess this is the consequence of me putting my academics above all else. I feel the loneliness but I know I’m not alone.

So it enrages me when people complain about their parents. Usually if it sounds like they don’t really have a strong enough reason for this annoyance and just the plain fact that it’s their parents that are bugging them, I really feel like punching their lights out. Geez, at least you have parents you can see more than once a year or any other time you want to. They’ve helped you get this far in your life … be grateful that you have them.

Recently when I called my uncle, he talked about how his daughters came down to visit on MLK Day. Oddly, I felt a slight pang of jealousy when I heard this. So while my cousins managed to go visit their father on a holiday, I was still stuck here … just taking a day off from rotation work …. and couldn’t afford to see my parents on a holiday because it was way too short.

So Christmastime actually has become a bit depressing for me. I used to really enjoy it, with all the decorations and the lights, just that bubbly and magical feeling of Christmas creeping up on you. Yet for me, every year has been different. It’s been kind of rough not being able to maintain some old Christmas tradition I was accustomed to practicing each year when I was younger. I think I was a bit luckier this year than the last since I was with family … but still, it wasn’t my parents. I still had to wear some sort of emotional mask around … I couldn’t allow myself to just let go and be with my family the same way I’d be with my parents.

This is the cost I pay for working to get what I want. I am jealous when I hear people say, oh my sister is visiting me or oh, my brother’s coming in so we’re going to schedule lunch together and whatnot. I sure did wish I had a sibling in these times ….

Despite all this, I have absolutely no regrets for everything I’ve been through. It is because of all of this, I am the person I am now, resilient and alive, doing what she loves most, and keeping her head up high even when the going gets tough. I could never have asked for anything better than what I have now.

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