Lately it has been coming moreso to my attention that I think I need to open up more to the possibility of relationships that I am even afraid to make. Not that I have had any recent prospects but I feel like I have been living my life in such a heavily career oriented fashion. I sacrificed many family holidays and the aspect of having family and friends nearby for this career that I am so privileged to pursue now. I am realizing that there is a bit of a tip of balance in my life and that is away from being closer to my family. However, with the progression of medical school, I am becoming more and more cognizant of this fact. My only fear is that what if cognizance makes no real difference in results? Rather than the fear of being single, I have the fear of dying alone. This is why as a parent, I want to have more than one child. Probably no more than two because I will not be able to handle more than that.
I have a close friend here who has always lived a life of interruptions and drama …. in my opinion I feel as though she allows it to enter and could probably be better at closing that drama door. Eck, whatever it is her style and her life. The irony is that she has lived a life largely opposite from mine and is now engaged. Prior to entering medical school, she and her boyfriend at the time were almost engaged …. which makes you think, are there rules that govern how things work out? Will those of us who are not accustomed to having someone around just keep walking down this road of singledom and loneliness until we turn around and it’s too late?? I sometimes feel silly constantly asking myself these questions as I couldn’t ask more for having such a wonderful life now …. And I am working on being better at keeping in touch with old friends …. but in the end, is anything going to change??
I strive to stay optimistic but you gotta face it …. you can’t be totally naive either.
I guess things might change because I am feeling this slight bit of neediness than I ever have in college.