is such a powerful thing. I really wish I had more of it, though as much as I try to cultivate it, my motivation begins to lag after a certain point as I cannot follow through with completely learning something entirely new to me. I have always been the type to follow example, to watch and learn from the presentations of someone else rather than start with an entirely blank sheet for myself. When I was younger, I was constantly asked, why are you always a follower and having trouble being a leader yourself? Well, for me, my opinions form based off of what others tell me. I hear what others think before I can really understand how I feel on the subject. It has taken me years to realize this aspect of myself especially undergoing this roller coaster ride they call medical school. One thing’s for sure, I may be one who has trouble formulating her own ideas of what would be good or bad on the spot but I am not a pushover. I eventually want to be the one to control things, to have my thoughts heard and use my own style into working things. However, the process of cultivating this style takes time as I’ve noticed and I am one who likes to pick and choose.
For example, I’ve been trying to learn how to work CSS in attempts of creating a new template but unfortunately, the teaching process is just too much for me. So instead, I’ll skim through the templates that are already provided and pick the ones that I like. And maybe later on, when I’ve sat for a while and stared long enough, I’ll realize what I like or dislike about the background I’m currently using.
Same with planning … I need a structure to work on before I can move on and usually my part of planning will be very simple. On the other hand, one of my friends always knows exactly what she wants off the bat. She just needs to find resources that will satisfy these plans of hers. For me, well … I need some form of guidelines first, then I can move forward in developing my style from there on. Sure, I may appear as a follower initially … but not for long. I’ll eventually find my voice as well, it just takes me some time.
Which is why I think the specialty that I’m choosing will fit me very well. Heme-onc is known to be a field where specific protocols are followed for treatment of patients but that doesn’t mean you’re doing the same thing every time. You still have to tweak these plans as every patient is still different. There are still a multitude of medical problems you need to examine as you are still the primary care physician of your patient who has cancer. I feel there’s still variety as cancer can show up in many different forms but not so much variety that I have to get very creative myself as well. Also, the aspect of having thorough understanding of these conditions further drives my interest in this field.
It is ironic, there really is a specialty for any type of personality in medicine … you just have to look close to find it.
So I don’t want to feel bad that I have trouble being an original leader of some discovery/treatment but rather, cultivate the abilities I already have and become better at them. Of course, I will have to address my fallbacks, yet I don’t want to put those in the front line that my work in medicine will be heavily dependent on those.
I need some form of structure in the way I work … kind of explains how moving down a certain career path fits me. I don’t question it much, I just do it. It could be bad in certain ways but good in others. You just need to balance it out.
Interestingly, there is a heavy amount of emotional push and pull in this game of medicine. Once you become a student on rotations, you will definitely get a good taste of this and it gets even more confusing if you’re still in the process of trying to figure out what your likes and dislikes are.
I guess I’m just the type who likes to observe other people’s style, how they do things, and combine them together to incorporate them into my own … would that be such a bad thing? Just to follow and keep those aspects that make me feel good or what I find to be really good traits.
And just for your pleasure to veer you away from my random brooding entry, I’m going to slip in some images I thought would be a little more mood uplifting.
Yes, I know this poster’s language is not English but I just thought the image was cute as Isla Fisher is wearing a few different outfits. I watched this movie the other day as my post shelf exam destressor and absolutely loved it. Hehe, sure it’s airheady, doesn’t have much substance but it sure does keep a girl happy. And how can you resist this girl? She’s adorable!! (Especially when you watch her having so much trouble helping herself with all those pretty clothes 😛 an addiction many women have trouble handling.)
The second picture I post here is straight off of the Forever21 website. I just liked the feel of the photo with the short but lacey and very … what’s the word …. sassyish (I know I totally made that up) feel of the clothes. It’s an advertisement for prom dresses and I just thought those advertised here had a very unique style as opposed to the usual long ball gowns. I personally love the looks here as outfits with outlined waistlines really fit on me well hehehe. And who can turn down lacey gloves?? 😉 Totally my thing!!!