Though I don’t think my circumstances really can say I was in love …. was I inching close to it? Possibly but there was no basis for it … hence I wasn’t in love.
And though as much as I try to convince myself what I should do next time in order to evade such a situation again, I can’t help but accept the fact that what I felt was real. Call it what you want – relationship, dating, tet-a-tet, fling – whatever it was …. there was something real to me. I’ve been trying to convince myself out of it since it ended in shambles …. but you know …. it’s kind of good that you still remember the good times and what you felt in that moment was something new, something different, something you can hold onto forever. And in that sense, that momentous feeling, has become a part of me.
When I look back now, it was really the little things that drew me towards him. On our second date, he noticed there was catfish in his dish and as he’d told me multiple times that he hated it, he picked some pieces with his fork and dumped them onto my plate. Haha, yea probably not the most appealing sounding but I am not a picky eater … and he already knew that because I never blatantly said, “I hate catfish too”. As charmed as I was by this minute but warm gesture, I continued to stand wary of the possibility that I probably was not the first person he did this to … or the only person at the current time. Ooooh that exciting feeling of the first few dates where you just are sitting on cloud nine, don’t really think about where this is going and just enjoying your time …. and then of course, it all goes downhill from there … hehe not always but in my case it did and it was difficult for me to recover from that.
Something else I remember. On my birthday, I had invited a small group of friends and him for a homecooked Korean dinner that I’d whipped up myself. I’d spent the entire day preparing food as I was the one who was on the most laxed rotation (people thought I was being crazy, making food on my own birthday?! But the fact that people were enjoying themselves was really all I wanted on my special day). I remember he asked if he could borrow my charger for his cell phone as he’d left his in the hospital. I told him my phone was entirely different from his but instead, he noticed my mp3 charger was exactly what he was looking for. When most people would describe what they needed, he sort of just … picked at my things as if we were sharing them. Again, I thought this gesture was incredibly adorable … but I knew, it wasn’t enough, that I shouldn’t lead myself on too much.
And now when I look back, one year from before, from when we first met (not in the most classy way I have to say … he isn’t exactly the classiest guy which is why I was extremely wary of him in the beginning), I guess … in a sense, the experience was worth it? Worth what you say?
Worth …. undergoing. It was the closest thing I had to a serious relationship and though I know that things have changed, what I felt at the time was real. However, I will not be moving backwards (never had I planned to) although I’m realizing now that I cherish the moments we had. They have, in a sense, brought character to myself (though I still think guys are idiots …. that is still a fact to me) and how I will shape my future.
I was wondering why, for what reason, did I end up really liking this guy? Was there any basis to my feelings? Was I foolish and stupid to think there was a “we” at any point of all of this? And hehe with a little bit of Reisling and some decadent brownies in my stomach I realize …. we all are truly “blind fools in love” (quote from the film Pride and Prejudice which I adore btw!!!).
Though the results sucked, I still knew what I felt and I don’t regret what happened.
And this is how you know you’re truly letting go.