So I think you should never give up on something you believe in. Trust me, life will surprise you in the most unexpected ways.
Recently, an ex roommate contacted me to ask if she could borrow a book of mine. This was someone whom I’ve had trouble talking to for a while as her moving out had come as a bit of a shock to me … and prior to that, she was in transition of hanging out with me less and hanging out more with other friends. It was hurtful because she never came out to whatever I invited her too yet I really loved having her as a friend in my life. Hence, when she told me she wanted to move out, it came as a bit of a shock out of nowhere to me. I felt that things were going ok, that we’d be living together for a while …. maybe it wasn’t personal to me, but I honestly felt like I’d driven her away, that somehow we didn’t mesh very well and in the end, she couldn’t handle it anymore.
No, I wasn’t at the point where if she wanted to borrow something, I’d straight up say no. But I wasn’t entirely comfortable being around her or at least, didn’t feel good about being as giving to her as I’d been previously. I wasn’t exactly vindictive … but I didn’t feel like being overly friendly either. Let’s say, this was like a relationship gone bad but with a girlfriend rather than some male counterpart.
But when this old friend of mine contacted me recently to borrow a book, I was willing to offer whatever she needed. I did want to put our past behind us, I guess in a sense, forgiving all the bad feelings that had occurred. We may never be the same people we were back then … but the fact that we were still sort of talking meant a lot to me. Let’s just say I never thought that such a thing would happen.
Then today I met up with an attending physician I’d worked with during my subintern rotation. His review of me was ok but he did indicate that my medical knowledge was lacking. This criticism had hit a point where I really wanted to do something about it. So I asked if he could meet with me and provide me some form of guidance of how I could improve myself as it is crucial to me that I become a more competent intern resident. And I’m really glad I did because his words of advice were actually very helpful. Rather than viewing this attending’s comments as something from those of an enemy, I began to really attack the true problem rather than staying in denial. I accepted his critiques as being true and he provided me with comments I feel will really help me in the long run. And another comment of his I truly appreciated, “Not everyone is perfect. There are those who are extremely smart but have extreme lack of tact … in my opinion, that is an even more difficult skill to improve on than developing a strong medical base knowledge.”
So …. it is funny how life turns out. I truthfully was going into this meeting thinking, o gosh I should have totally canceled this … there’s a good chance he might say something I really can’t handle hearing anymore. Eventually, by the time I met up with him, I just thought, well, if he says something I don’t want to hear, I’m just going to brush it off and continue to move forward …. because I can’t deny that this is what I really want to do with the rest of my life.
I had a glimpse – a glimpse (!!!!) – of what I wanted to look like as a physician. It had really been a while since I’d seen myself like that (I think the last time was maybe when I started rotations??) but it made me realize, it’s what I want … I really do want it …. I’m ready to get back into the game.