Or should I say slightly unfamiliar home?
It is odd, I have never really felt like this when visiting the motherland but it’s hit me recently that I feel kind of …. estranged from it all. I still recognize places, where I grew up, where I hung out, places I loved to go eat at but it all seems very faint …. I don’t know if it’s that my life back in the States has really engulfed all my time and attention (as I begin to snowball into getting things together for residency … granted all pulls through well in a year … GACK, I am seriously truly sick and tired of it all and would like to finally move forward) but being back at home feels a little …. foreign to me. Yes interesting choice of word because I’m actually a Korean citizen but I’ve come to feel a little bit out of place this time around … and it’s a little different from how I felt back in high school when I first moved back. Now, I’m more accepting and open to the cultural differences between Korea and the States but despite my acceptance, I feel as though I’m in an unfamiliar place …
Maybe it’s this willingness to move forward? Not necessarily leave things behind entirely but I feel like there’s less for me to hold onto and more for me to anticipate now. This feeling kind of is similar to the one I felt when I visited Austin after having left the city post graduation and being away from it for 3 years. However, it’s only been 1.5 years since I’ve been away from Korea and I’ve been visiting here nearly every break I could …. so why this lack of nostalgia and feeling of alienation?
Hmmm … or maybe it’s because I’ve come to accept what my new home could potentially be like. It’s such an odd feeling … but I know I’m not willing to give up one for the other, rather my heart is open to taking in both!! Just one a little more intensely than the other but it doesn’t mean I’ll be forgetting anyone.
At least I hope not.