Rekindled ambition …

but with a hint of ambivalence.

So the results of the military match for residency were announced today. I congratulate those in my class who were a part of it! It is kind of odd to think that a part of my class whom I’ve known for the past almost four years now knows where they’ll be going for the next 3+ years of training … and in a sense, the news of all this kind of sparked a small amount of jealousy in me that I won’t be able to see this for another year.

I’ve definitely hit the point where I want to learn more by doing more …. it seems as though I’ve hit my limit as a student in what I can learn, I’m sure I can always find something, but without that real push (that I probably will regret asking for in a few years) to do something I’m not really accustomed to handling, I feel as though it will be challenging for me to really learn something. The stimulation of it all from when I started as a third year medical student is waning and I know for me to learn more, I’d have to do some real work (though intern year is no easy piece of cake).

And so I know I still want it … but the road forward just seems to be full of trepidation. I mean, every day with all that I’ve been doing, I feel like I’ve been jumping into the air like a flying trapeze artist but with no net to catch me underneath and I wonder, will I continue to live on like this forever? With this having to have the confidence to move forward but without the reassurance that things will be ok? That the only means of protection I will have will be that of my knowledge and my wits and how I deal with the people around me?

It is quite a scary thought and though I’ve been having to deal with this at a minimal level …. gosh at times, I wish I had some form of a guarantee for the work I’m doing. Something that says, “It’ll be ok!! We promise …” and I just know that I can’t be screwed!!

But life wouldn’t be what it is if we had a guarantee of everything we did right?

Nonetheless …. just once … or every now and then, I want the confidence to know that I’m doing the right thing, that it’s ok for me to have particular thoughts and uncertainties running through my head because it’s all normal!! At least then, I’d have a bit more confidence and energy to move forward. One can only deal with so much bashing and criticizing after a while even though you try not to let yourself down by what others say … (even when it is constructive criticism, sometimes you can only take so much of it).

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