We as human beings have been destined to walk this path called life.
As children, a good number of us may have felt like being grown up was really all we wanted to do … we just wanted to get to that destination as soon as we could. However, as adults, life just flies by in front of our eyes and it gets harder to just catch a breath to appreciate things …. being boring itself becomes a difficult thing to do and to do anything leisurely is really hard to come around.
Through my recent experiences of breakups and meeting new friends and seeing some of mine getting ready to get married …. I sometimes wonder … are some of us just destined to go certain ways rather than others? Let’s say, we really want something out of life and it took us this long to finally realize how much we want it …. would the current lifestyle we are living affect how the future turns? Or is it true that certain people are just meant to live certain ways?
Though I’d like to believe that I am capable of getting whatever I want out of this life – an optimist, you see, I tend to look at the glass half full as much as I can – and that the goals we may have initially believed in are constantly changing to fit whatever state we’re currently in …. the thought does occur to me every now and then, with the way I’m handling things, will I just stand in the same place forever? Or am I progressing towards something, it’s just not clear to me yet?
For instance, one of my close friends here is an extremely giving person … sometimes to the point of partially sacrificing her sanity. Yet it seems that in the past years, she’s begun to understand her limits … a little bit. I myself still need a little more space than she does when it comes to spending time with people …. does that make me a bad person? I do wonder …. there were times during our friendship I felt I was the bad one …. because I wasn’t thoughtful enough, because I was ready to do things my own way. And it kinda made me feel bad … of course it wasn’t the intention of my friends but you know, these things make you reflect.
Although now this friend is the one who is engaged, who has her life planned out and moving forward as she would like to. And where am I? Well, I’m still progressing forward but realizing other things that I want now along the way. For instance, I’ve come to realize the meaning of family and I’d really like to continue this lineage by having my own children as well. Yet I don’t have the confidence to raise children on my own so I don’t plan on being a single mother at all. And I feel …. regardless of how much I yearn it, I won’t be getting my hands on this for a long time (especially seeing my luck with guys in the past).
So do I need to change myself? Nonetheless, I’m sure I myself have changed in many ways that I never thought I’d turn out to be. Life truly is all about crossroads and which one you’re willing to take over another … I have never regretted any of the decisions I’ve made in the past, I just tend to react to things late. Sure, we make mistakes but it’s how we handle them to move on forward that makes all the difference … and I think I’ve handled them quite well, at least in my own way.
So to sum things up … this is the type of person I am:
I can be conservative on various subjects but that doesn’t mean I’m an overall prude. I enjoy witty humor regardless of the subject matter but I don’t believe in offending the other person. I believe in showing respect to others in a way that you know they will accept as respect (for instance, if it is to show respect by spitting at someone’s feet … which apparently is true in some country whose name flees my mind right now) even though I may not be accustomed to it … because that is not what is important when I’m trying to befriend someone. Though I’m a very sociable girl with a laid back personality, I still have a decently rigid list of rules when it comes to dating (which I’ve expanded over the years) and getting emotionally involved with someone. I like to have my space but that doesn’t mean I don’t like my friends …. I just like to have time for myself when I can. I like to keep things organized but much less so than how I’d been in the past. In fact, I’m willing to open my life up to somebody who is willing to crazy it up but stand by me through thick and thin. I don’t tend to get as angry as most people do but that doesn’t mean I’m a pushover everyone can walk all over … because if struck wrong, I will get angry. The only issue is it takes me some time in figuring out if I’m angry or what I’m angry about and how I plan on expressing it. I am not the most creative person. I am especially bad at thinking of an idea from scratch … I prefer having options to choose from and deciding what I like or listening to other people’s opinions on what they like and how I feel about it. Don’t worry, I still have my own opinion, it just takes me time to form it and the decision on how to form it …. Up almost till college, I wasn’t a fan of kids …. now all I can see is a future of having children of my own (but not an insanely high number hehe … within my capacity to take care of them). I was heavily career oriented throughout my life but I realize that I’d like some interruption too, something along the sidelines to make me see that life isn’t all just about work … you gotta have some play too.
And I know that I will keep on changing. But as for now, my life experiences for the past two decades (though I’m actually older than that ;-)) have brought me to this point. At least it has become clearer to me of what I truly want …. and I feel that if I’m honest about it, it’ll eventually come to me.