Finding where I stand.

I really wish sometimes I could write as quickly as I could think.

So the above photos are pictures from my nephew’s first year birthday. As usual, I wasn’t there to attend it because it was in Korea. I’ve gotten accustomed to missing out on a lot of family occasions and though I’m not thrilled at the idea of it, I have come to accept that it is the choice I’ve made and to live by. At least I have photos to relive them (sort of).

So today I received an email from my mom of the family celebrating my aunt’s 60th birthday. In the photos is also my cousin’s new fiancee. The girl is pretty and from what I’ve heard is very sweet. While I am thrilled that my cousin is finally engaged to get married, I can’t help but feel a slight bittersweetness of how things have become … lifestyle I guess?

It seems that the men of my family have managed to hit certain milestones, get married, and have kids (at least the oldest has) … while I, the oldest female of the family, decided to pursue her career by traveling thousands of miles away from home to achieve it. Despite the fact that I could never see myself doing any other alternative, I still want that sense of family, that future of a husband and ultimately my own children. And with other women marrying into the family I get this sort of feeling of …. feeling not so feminine? As outrageous as it may sound, I in a sense feel like I’m betraying my womanhood by not marrying into someone’s family and still being single, still waiting to graduate and pursue my career as a physician. Womanhood? It’s hard to explain this feeling … but I feel like I’m being judged (most likely I’m exaggerating here, I’m merely describing how I’m feeling based on photos my mom sent to me) for being the one to pursue the career.

At moments like this, I wish my home country were a bit more open about single women pursuing their career rather than marrying a man after a certain age and procreating children. Granted I still want it but I feel as though this pressure is harder on us females back in my motherland. It seems that the concept of single women with a successful career is definitely more largely emphasized and explore into in the U.S. than it is where majority of my family is.

However, what can I say … it is still my family and I will forever love them. Yet there will be some gap there where I may somehow overshadow my older male cousins? Possibly because of the future route I’ve chosen for myself …. luckily, it is reassuring to know that I have two younger female cousins in the U.S. who are basically in a similar boat as myself (well it’s tough to say that about the younger one as she and I have a decent age gap) …. single and focusing on their careers.

Nonetheless, one cannot help but wonder if this life will ever ultimately bring about what I’m looking for ….

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