Warning! This post might not make very much sense as I’m just typing up a stream of consciousness. Hence, I may bounce between various subjects that have somehow culminated into one large matter in my head …
I feel like winter is always a good time to reflect. Maybe it’s because of the fact that we stay in moreso than other seasons because of the chilliness outside … and given this lack of outdoor stimulation, we tend to internally reflect more than we did during other times of the year. And for me, well, that’s even moreso as I stay at home for vacation and basically live under the scrutiny of my parents.
Don’t get me wrong, my parents aren’t crazy overprotective and are usually fairly lenient in the activities that I do. They trust that I’m smart enough to avoid getting myself into trouble. However, when you live in close proximity – or basically under the same roof – with others, flaws in your personality are bound to surface. And when it’s in front of your parents, things come up.
One thing that has surfaced for me is that I tend to become agitated of particular matters based on emotions that I experienced of something previously talked about. In other words, if something from earlier bothered me, I will become agitated about something totally unrelated because I’ve hit a new annoyed emotional state. There’s a psychiatric term for this I think, was it projection? Though I do hope I’m not to the level in need of a psychiatric diagnosis …
I try to be as careful about this as I can around others but around parents, it’s very difficult to hold anything down. I pretty much dissipate into the little child I’ve always felt like growing up.
On the flip side, while being someone who can get moody without warning – which I try to keep under control as much as possible – I like to think that I’m not exactly predictable … that I am capable of presenting many different sides of myself, displaying an array of colors of myself.
Now realizing this, I feel I’ve hit a point in my life where the flirtations of a guy is just not enough to catch enough of my attention. I’ve grown to be a more demanding personality (not in everything, moreso in the important things) especially when it comes to the attention of someone who’s interested in me. I know I deserve better, therefore, I don’t enjoy being in second place. You want me, then prove it.
As being another single woman inching towards her golden 30s (honestly, I have nothing against being 30 but I do feel as though a lot of odds in society are stacked against you if there are certain things you hope to achieve by then) and visiting old high school friends who are either married or have kids, there is that lingering feeling of when will things change for me.
Don’t misunderstand me here though. I am tremendously happy for the life I’m living. I’ve been extremely privileged to receive a form of highly professional education to ultimately serve society and make a difference. It was my grandfather’s dream to become a doctor but he never really found the opportunity to pursue it, nor did his children for their own reasons. Though that wasn’t my reason for deciding to go to medical school, it gives me extreme joy to be able to say that I’m carrying on his dream.
I also have amazing friends who have been with me through thick and thin, whom I can share memories with and whom I can turn to during tough times.
It has become a huge deal to me to live in the present and to not worry so much about the future or the past. Enjoy what you havenowbecause it is what will carry you forward.
Ok that will be the end to my ramblings for today … thank you for reading through if you managed to survive this far. 🙂